I have to admit that this stage of life leaves me sometimes feeling trapped. Not trapped in my life or situation, because I like both of those things very much, but trapped geographically. It is so. much. work. to load the kids up and go anywhere and keep an eye on all of them at once that I usually just don't have the energy or motivation. I sometimes watch Tim come and go with narrowed envious eyes at his arms swinging freely, no legs propped on bouncers, off to work and a feeling of productivity. Some days, when Zion is fussy and demanding, the most frustrating thing is not being able to look at my day and see anything truly finished - the living room is only half picked up, there are still dishes in the sink waiting for someone, anyone, with two hands free; I still haven't worked on scrapbooking, I have more pictures to sort through, I still need to put candles up in the windows and find that sneaky hide-y tree skirt, I wanted to wash our sheets today and didn't get to it, I need to hang some more laundry on the line and put away the clean stuff on the table fuss fuss fuss fuss fuss goes the baby and I resume my bouncing, patting, pacing circle. Bounce bounce bounce eye the things on the floor that I LOOONG to pick up and put away so that I won't feel SO STRESSED OUT ABOUT ALL THE WORK I STILL HAVE TO GET DONE!!! And then the kids want food and then they're fighting and it's bath time and splash time and finding clothes and lotion and settling more squabbles and finding snacks and brushing teeth and so then the day is over and the kids are in bed - and I look around and see not a sight that makes me sigh happily over my productiveness, but instead - more work. Blech. Today Israel was sick on top of Zion's third or fourth day of fussiness, and threw several exhausted, prolonged, temper tantrums. I honestly just sometimes had to laugh, as two children bellowed while Gabe begged to play hide and seek. Sigh. Tim was also gone tonight...so friends, it was a long day. :)

They aren't all like that. Sometimes I can strut around proudly and shake my tail feathers and demand compliments on the meal/house/other productiveness I have busily whipped up for the day. Just not today.

I did have a good start though. I am currently in an obsessive research phase over whole foods/natural foods/organic foods stuff. I am devouring two cookbooks (I have never in my life done such a thing) on the topic and dreaming of buying another one that I really want that is like, 672 pages, called Nourishing Traditions. I have borrowed Mom's book, The China Study, which talks about diet and disease associations from a study of 170 villages in China, and am dreaming of somehow obtaining a flour grinder so I can grind my own wheat. I had to look at myself the other day and shake my head with amusement as my eyes lit up greedily when I came across a recommendation that I check my local natural foods store for ingredients. Local natural foods store (breathed in a wistful whisper). Dilated pupils, staring into space dreaming of sea vegetables and millet and all things organic. What a weirdo I am. But I can't help these random, irresistible, insatiable hunger-for-knowledge-of-my-current-fill-in-the-blank interest. I snarf up any relevant books I can get my hands on and research madly online till I am finally knowledged out. Then I move on. But this morning Zion and I made a happy little trip to our not-exactly-very-close closest natural foods store and I thoroughly enjoyed myself, rummaging among the arrowroot starch and xantham gum.

The truly ironic thing is that, as I'm scouring these cookbooks for exciting new information about what sea vegetable to use with beans to make them digestible and how to stay away from red meat, I often have a healthy little item tucked into my paw, like, say Mountain Dew, or say, a chocolate covered doughnut. Priorities are priorities, see.